Ten Minute Relationship Therapy: how to disarm an argumentative partner Dr David Burns is a cognitive therapist specialising in relationship management. This week: how to disarm an argumentative partner. When told that When told that "You never listen!", you only prove your critic right by ignoring what they've just said 7:00AM BST 28 Sep 2009 CommentsComment When defending yourself from a criticism that seems totally irrational or unfair, you often prove that the criticism is valid. Insist that the other person is wrong, and you'll nearly always prove that he or she is right. I call this phenomenon the Law of Opposites. In contrast, if you genuinely agree with a criticism that seems untrue, you'll instantly prove that the criticism is wrong, and the other person will see you in a new light. For instance, when told that "You never listen!", you only prove your critic right by ignoring what they've just said. But by acknowledging the truth in what has been said, and agreeing that, yes, their criticism is valid, you disarm them. The effects of what is known as the Disarming Technique can be astonishing, but it's also difficult to learn. Pride gets in the way; it hurts to admit that you're wrong or that you've fallen short in someone else's eyes. A little voice in your head that says, "I shouldn't have to agree with him. I'm right and he's wrong!" If you listen to that voice, you will nearly always get embroiled in conflict. If, on the other hand, you agree that the other person is right and find some truth in the criticisms, you both end up on the same team. Although a challenge to learn, the Disarming Technique can be an eye-opener. Try this exercise to show you what I mean. Write down the worst imaginable criticisms you might hear from your spouse, family, friends or colleagues. You can make the criticisms as irrational as you want. Be sure to include criticisms that would upset you. Now, try to find some truth in each criticism. First, transform vague criticisms into specifics. For example, imagine that a friend suddenly says, "You're an idiot!" You may feel upset and have the urge to defend yourself. Instead, imagine saying something along these lines: "I feel bad that my comment upset you. Can you tell me more about how you feel?" Notice that you're transforming a meaningless criticism like "You're an idiot!" into a meaningful dialogue. Second, you don't have to agree with the criticism in a literal way; just agree with the spirit of what the other person is saying. When someone says, "You don't really like me!", a good use of the Disarming Technique would be: "It really hurts to hear you say that, but I agree with you. There is some tension in the air. Can you tell me what I did or said?" This response transforms a global criticism into something specific. You're admitting that you haven't been as supportive as you might be. Paradoxically, the other person will suddenly feel that you do care.

Ten Minute Relationship Therapy: how to disarm an argumentative partner

Dr David Burns is a cognitive therapist specialising in relationship management. This week: how to disarm an argumentative partner.

When told that "You never listen!", you only prove your critic right by ignoring what they've just said 

7:00AM BST 28 Sep 2009

Comment

When defending yourself from a criticism that seems totally irrational or unfair, you often prove that the criticism is valid. Insist that the other person is wrong, and you'll nearly always prove that he or she is right. I call this phenomenon the Law of Opposites. In contrast, if you genuinely agree with a criticism that seems untrue, you'll instantly prove that the criticism is wrong, and the other person will see you in a new light.

For instance, when told that "You never listen!", you only prove your critic right by ignoring what they've just said. But by acknowledging the truth in what has been said, and agreeing that, yes, their criticism is valid, you disarm them.

The effects of what is known as the Disarming Technique can be astonishing, but it's also difficult to learn. Pride gets in the way; it hurts to admit that you're wrong or that you've fallen short in someone else's eyes. A little voice in your head that says, "I shouldn't have to agree with him. I'm right and he's wrong!" If you listen to that voice, you will nearly always get embroiled in conflict. If, on the other hand, you agree that the other person is right and find some truth in the criticisms, you both end up on the same team.

Although a challenge to learn, the Disarming Technique can be an eye-opener. Try this exercise to show you what I mean.

Write down the worst imaginable criticisms you might hear from your spouse, family, friends or colleagues. You can make the criticisms as irrational as you want. Be sure to include criticisms that would upset you. Now, try to find some truth in each criticism.

First, transform vague criticisms into specifics. For example, imagine that a friend suddenly says, "You're an idiot!" You may feel upset and have the urge to defend yourself. Instead, imagine saying something along these lines: "I feel bad that my comment upset you. Can you tell me more about how you feel?" Notice that you're transforming a meaningless criticism like "You're an idiot!" into a meaningful dialogue.
Second, you don't have to agree with the criticism in a literal way; just agree with the spirit of what the other person is saying.
When someone says, "You don't really like me!", a good use of the Disarming Technique would be: "It really hurts to hear you say that, but I agree with you. There is some tension in the air. Can you tell me what I did or said?" This response transforms a global criticism into something specific. You're admitting that you haven't been as supportive as you might be. Paradoxically, the other person will suddenly feel that you do care.