How to Get Totally Satisfied in Bed
By Judy Dutton
Special Offer
Break out
the champagne and high fives: You and your husband have just had one of those
nights when you moved, moaned and even reached Mount Everest-high peaks at the
very same time. Few lovemaking sessions make you feel more exhilarated, or
emotionally connected, than those in which you're in sync with each other. So
why, you may be wondering, is it so hard to get in the same groove as your guy
in the first place?
"Men and women get aroused at different rates and through different means, which makes it difficult to stay on the same page during lovemaking," explains Betty Dodson, Ph.D., author of Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partner Sex. But with a little ingenuity -- by using simple breathing techniques or by perfecting your favorite sex positions, for example -- you two can hit your high notes duet-style. And while sharing this earthshaking moment every time you strip down may not be realistic (hey, sometimes you just gotta dance to the beat of your own drummer), an occasional climactic convergence can be the kind of uncanny, all-the-stars-were-aligned bonding experience that will bring any couple closer. Read on and prepare to feel your hearts (and every other muscle in your bodies, for that matter) beat as one.
Breathe Your Way to a Big O
One common reason women take longer than men to reach their peak is that they aren't breathing properly. "Most women breathe too shallowly," says Olivia St. Claire, author of 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed. Deep breathing, on the other hand, delivers more oxygen to all your muscles, including the ones in your vagina, which allows them to rev up their orgasmic engines. To quicken your response time so it's the same as his, take rapid, deep breaths through your mouth instead of through your nose, which will bring more oxygen into your body, says St. Claire. Imagine that you're drawing air down into your pelvic area; this will give you the oxygen boost you need to keep up with your husband as you move toward your breathtaking finale.
Squeeze Your Main Squeeze
Most women have heard that doing Kegel exercises will intensify their orgasmic response. But did you know that flexing these muscles during intercourse can result in a simultaneous toe-curling climax? To accomplish this, repeatedly tighten your PC muscles (the muscles you use to keep from urinating) as he withdraws and relax them as he enters, advises Dodson. After all, "an orgasm is a series of muscular contractions," says Lou Paget, a Los Angeles sex educator. "Instead of waiting for an orgasm to trigger these contractions, do it yourself to jump-start your climax." Time it right and you two may bond during this shared sexual summit.
Learn Each Other's Arousal Levels
Sometimes missing that mutual oh-my-God moment comes down to a misunderstanding. Your husband, for example, may interpret a certain movement or sigh as a sign that you're seconds away from a tsunami, while, in fact, it means you're just warming up. "Many couples don't orgasm together because they misinterpret each other's cues," says Anita Banker, an author of Simultaneous Orgasm and Other Joys of Sexual Intimacy. To resolve this misunderstanding, try Banker's 1-to-10 exercise: During lovemaking one night, use numbers to express how turned on both of you are, with 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "Whoa, mama!" (Sure, it may feel a little goofy, but consider it a game and you'll have the emotional distance you need to accomplish your goal.) Observe which physical and verbal cues correspond with which numbers so that in the future, you'll know exactly how close he is -- and vice versa -- and you'll be able to pace yourselves to reach the big 10 together. Rock This Way
If the missionary position doesn't send you skyward as quickly as it does him, that's no surprise: Only 9.1 percent of couples always or often reach orgasm simultaneously in this position, says Edward Eichel, a New York sexologist and author of The Perfect Fit: How to Achieve Mutual Fulfillment and Monogamous Passion Through the New Intercourse. To increase the odds of it happening, try this revamped version of missionary called the coital-alignment technique. Assume normal missionary, then have him slide his torso up a few inches so he rocks, rather than thrusts, into you, keeping his pubic bone connected to yours at all times. In studies done by Eichel, who developed the position, an astounding 77 percent of female subjects reached orgasm this way always or often and 36.4 percent did so simultaneously with their partners. "It works because it provides constant clitoral contact with the man's every movement," says Eichel. "Regular thrusting won't do that."
Take It Slow
"Peaking," a technique in which you assume a slower-than-average pace during intercourse, can easily wind you both up for an ecstatic ending, says Patricia Taylor, Ph.D., a sex coach and author of Expanded Orgasm: Soar to Ecstasy at Your Lover's Every Touch. "A constant, fast pace will dull your senses," she explains. "But a slower rhythm will give your body time to adjust and allow the tension to eventually build up to even greater heights." So try consciously moving as if in slow motion and see if it doesn't bring both of you to an amazing simultaneous finish.
Be Pushy
Bearing down or pushing out with your PC muscles may also register some shared rumblings on your respective Richter scales. Why? It'll force your G spot -- the extrasensitive area along the front wall of your vagina -- closer to your vaginal opening for some pleasure-inducing pressure against his penis. "Oftentimes the G spot doesn't get enough stimulation during intercourse to induce orgasm," explains Taylor. "This way you're bringing your G spot to him."
Don't Let the Real World In
Going for the big kahuna of sexual escapades requires concentration, so you must make sure you're not going to be interrupted. Double-check that the answering machine is on, the bedroom door is closed and the bedside table has whatever you may need (a glass of cold water, your diaphragm, etc.) once you and your husband get busy. That way you can devote 100 percent of your attention to achieving a mutual five-star finale.
Top This
If being on top gets you in the groove, make things even groovier by sliding your legs down so they're straddling his thighs rather than his torso. Arch your back so you're nearly perpendicular to the bed; the arc shape of your body will put maximum pressure on your clitoral area, says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., sexologist for My Pleasure. Combined with the control you have over how deep the intercourse is and how fast you move, this position can send many women overboard.
Put His Orgasm on Hold
Does your husband resort to thinking about icebergs or baseball statistics to keep himself from going over the edge before you do? "Distractions like these don't work well, since they cut him off from the very feelings he should learn to control," points out Gardos. Instead, teach him to slow down and squeeze his PC muscles (he may need to practice this outside of bed). "When he's close to reaching orgasm and flexes these muscles, it will keep him from ejaculating," says Gardos. Then you two will be able to resume intercourse to your hearts' content.
Use These Four Words in Bed
Of course, no number of sex positions or techniques will catapult couples to cloud nine unless they communicate. "During nonsexual activities, like a back massage, couples have no problem saying, 'Could you move up/down a little bit?' But people clam up about sex because they're afraid they'll hurt their partner's feelings," says Taylor. But failing to give each other some basic direction can leave couples guessing -- and frustrated. Not a big talker in bed? These four words should get you by just fine: "faster," "slower," "harder" and "softer." And remember that the polite approach (as in "That's really nice, but could you try this instead?") won't have half the sexual power as these demands, especially if you follow them with an exclamation that indicates he's right on target, such as "Mmmm" or "Yes! Yes! Yes!
"Men and women get aroused at different rates and through different means, which makes it difficult to stay on the same page during lovemaking," explains Betty Dodson, Ph.D., author of Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partner Sex. But with a little ingenuity -- by using simple breathing techniques or by perfecting your favorite sex positions, for example -- you two can hit your high notes duet-style. And while sharing this earthshaking moment every time you strip down may not be realistic (hey, sometimes you just gotta dance to the beat of your own drummer), an occasional climactic convergence can be the kind of uncanny, all-the-stars-were-aligned bonding experience that will bring any couple closer. Read on and prepare to feel your hearts (and every other muscle in your bodies, for that matter) beat as one.
Breathe Your Way to a Big O
One common reason women take longer than men to reach their peak is that they aren't breathing properly. "Most women breathe too shallowly," says Olivia St. Claire, author of 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed. Deep breathing, on the other hand, delivers more oxygen to all your muscles, including the ones in your vagina, which allows them to rev up their orgasmic engines. To quicken your response time so it's the same as his, take rapid, deep breaths through your mouth instead of through your nose, which will bring more oxygen into your body, says St. Claire. Imagine that you're drawing air down into your pelvic area; this will give you the oxygen boost you need to keep up with your husband as you move toward your breathtaking finale.
Squeeze Your Main Squeeze
Most women have heard that doing Kegel exercises will intensify their orgasmic response. But did you know that flexing these muscles during intercourse can result in a simultaneous toe-curling climax? To accomplish this, repeatedly tighten your PC muscles (the muscles you use to keep from urinating) as he withdraws and relax them as he enters, advises Dodson. After all, "an orgasm is a series of muscular contractions," says Lou Paget, a Los Angeles sex educator. "Instead of waiting for an orgasm to trigger these contractions, do it yourself to jump-start your climax." Time it right and you two may bond during this shared sexual summit.
Learn Each Other's Arousal Levels
Sometimes missing that mutual oh-my-God moment comes down to a misunderstanding. Your husband, for example, may interpret a certain movement or sigh as a sign that you're seconds away from a tsunami, while, in fact, it means you're just warming up. "Many couples don't orgasm together because they misinterpret each other's cues," says Anita Banker, an author of Simultaneous Orgasm and Other Joys of Sexual Intimacy. To resolve this misunderstanding, try Banker's 1-to-10 exercise: During lovemaking one night, use numbers to express how turned on both of you are, with 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "Whoa, mama!" (Sure, it may feel a little goofy, but consider it a game and you'll have the emotional distance you need to accomplish your goal.) Observe which physical and verbal cues correspond with which numbers so that in the future, you'll know exactly how close he is -- and vice versa -- and you'll be able to pace yourselves to reach the big 10 together. Rock This Way
If the missionary position doesn't send you skyward as quickly as it does him, that's no surprise: Only 9.1 percent of couples always or often reach orgasm simultaneously in this position, says Edward Eichel, a New York sexologist and author of The Perfect Fit: How to Achieve Mutual Fulfillment and Monogamous Passion Through the New Intercourse. To increase the odds of it happening, try this revamped version of missionary called the coital-alignment technique. Assume normal missionary, then have him slide his torso up a few inches so he rocks, rather than thrusts, into you, keeping his pubic bone connected to yours at all times. In studies done by Eichel, who developed the position, an astounding 77 percent of female subjects reached orgasm this way always or often and 36.4 percent did so simultaneously with their partners. "It works because it provides constant clitoral contact with the man's every movement," says Eichel. "Regular thrusting won't do that."
Take It Slow
"Peaking," a technique in which you assume a slower-than-average pace during intercourse, can easily wind you both up for an ecstatic ending, says Patricia Taylor, Ph.D., a sex coach and author of Expanded Orgasm: Soar to Ecstasy at Your Lover's Every Touch. "A constant, fast pace will dull your senses," she explains. "But a slower rhythm will give your body time to adjust and allow the tension to eventually build up to even greater heights." So try consciously moving as if in slow motion and see if it doesn't bring both of you to an amazing simultaneous finish.
Be Pushy
Bearing down or pushing out with your PC muscles may also register some shared rumblings on your respective Richter scales. Why? It'll force your G spot -- the extrasensitive area along the front wall of your vagina -- closer to your vaginal opening for some pleasure-inducing pressure against his penis. "Oftentimes the G spot doesn't get enough stimulation during intercourse to induce orgasm," explains Taylor. "This way you're bringing your G spot to him."
Don't Let the Real World In
Going for the big kahuna of sexual escapades requires concentration, so you must make sure you're not going to be interrupted. Double-check that the answering machine is on, the bedroom door is closed and the bedside table has whatever you may need (a glass of cold water, your diaphragm, etc.) once you and your husband get busy. That way you can devote 100 percent of your attention to achieving a mutual five-star finale.
Top This
If being on top gets you in the groove, make things even groovier by sliding your legs down so they're straddling his thighs rather than his torso. Arch your back so you're nearly perpendicular to the bed; the arc shape of your body will put maximum pressure on your clitoral area, says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., sexologist for My Pleasure. Combined with the control you have over how deep the intercourse is and how fast you move, this position can send many women overboard.
Put His Orgasm on Hold
Does your husband resort to thinking about icebergs or baseball statistics to keep himself from going over the edge before you do? "Distractions like these don't work well, since they cut him off from the very feelings he should learn to control," points out Gardos. Instead, teach him to slow down and squeeze his PC muscles (he may need to practice this outside of bed). "When he's close to reaching orgasm and flexes these muscles, it will keep him from ejaculating," says Gardos. Then you two will be able to resume intercourse to your hearts' content.
Use These Four Words in Bed
Of course, no number of sex positions or techniques will catapult couples to cloud nine unless they communicate. "During nonsexual activities, like a back massage, couples have no problem saying, 'Could you move up/down a little bit?' But people clam up about sex because they're afraid they'll hurt their partner's feelings," says Taylor. But failing to give each other some basic direction can leave couples guessing -- and frustrated. Not a big talker in bed? These four words should get you by just fine: "faster," "slower," "harder" and "softer." And remember that the polite approach (as in "That's really nice, but could you try this instead?") won't have half the sexual power as these demands, especially if you follow them with an exclamation that indicates he's right on target, such as "Mmmm" or "Yes! Yes! Yes!
Add Some Tension
Increasing muscle tension in your lower body can bring on an orgasm by increasing blood flow to this area, explains Lisa Sussman, author of Orgasm: Over 100 Explosive Tips. Julie,* 30, concurs: "Keeping my body relaxed doesn't do much for me, but if I flex my thighs while in the missionary position, I can feel an orgasm coming on pretty fast. And the tenser my body gets, the more wound up he gets too, so we can usually climax at the same time and share an outrageously connected experience."
Maintain Eye Contact
Holding each other's gaze during sex may be all you need to create some seismic synchronicity. "The eyes communicate so much that you might be able to figure out just how aroused your partner is," says Gardos. Locking eyes can also be a major breakthrough on an emotional level. "It can be difficult to keep your eyes open when you're feeling so vulnerable," explains Gardos. Get over your nervousness, however, and the mutual trust you'll develop will be sublime.
Give Yourself a Hand
If a little manual stimulation will get your body humming along with his, ask him to do the honors or take matters into your own hands, says Dodson. "The first time I did this during lovemaking, I was a little self-conscious. I wondered if my husband would think he couldn't please me," recalls Michelle, 35. On the contrary, she found that her husband loved it. Not only did it give him an erotic eyeful, it allowed him to relax. "It actually took some pressure off him so he could enjoy sex rather than worry whether I was going to orgasm with him...which, by the way, I did," she says.
Take Breaks
Time-outs can have their place in a grown-up's bedroom. Taking breaks can give you (or your husband, if he's lagging) a chance to catch up by means of oral sex or other turn-on techniques. To make waiting fun rather than frustrating, turn it into a game. "My husband and I will flip on Sex and the City and play 'red light, green light'; we can get hot and heavy only when the couples on screen do," says Tara, 39. "When they're not getting it on, all we can do is lie really close to each other. This allows the tension to build until we're both ready to let loose."
Expand Your Horizons
If intercourse doesn't normally get your mojo rising, try the "bridge" technique, in which you start with what you know works and then wean yourself from it. For example, if oral sex is your surefire ticket into orbit, have him do that for you until you reach the point of knowing you're going to climax within seconds. Then switch to intercourse, says Banker. If all goes well, nearly anything he does at this point should light your fire. Next time try switching to intercourse a bit sooner. Over weeks or months your body will be able to expand its orgasmic repertoire so you and your husband can reach the finish line hand in hand.
Increasing muscle tension in your lower body can bring on an orgasm by increasing blood flow to this area, explains Lisa Sussman, author of Orgasm: Over 100 Explosive Tips. Julie,* 30, concurs: "Keeping my body relaxed doesn't do much for me, but if I flex my thighs while in the missionary position, I can feel an orgasm coming on pretty fast. And the tenser my body gets, the more wound up he gets too, so we can usually climax at the same time and share an outrageously connected experience."
Maintain Eye Contact
Holding each other's gaze during sex may be all you need to create some seismic synchronicity. "The eyes communicate so much that you might be able to figure out just how aroused your partner is," says Gardos. Locking eyes can also be a major breakthrough on an emotional level. "It can be difficult to keep your eyes open when you're feeling so vulnerable," explains Gardos. Get over your nervousness, however, and the mutual trust you'll develop will be sublime.
Give Yourself a Hand
If a little manual stimulation will get your body humming along with his, ask him to do the honors or take matters into your own hands, says Dodson. "The first time I did this during lovemaking, I was a little self-conscious. I wondered if my husband would think he couldn't please me," recalls Michelle, 35. On the contrary, she found that her husband loved it. Not only did it give him an erotic eyeful, it allowed him to relax. "It actually took some pressure off him so he could enjoy sex rather than worry whether I was going to orgasm with him...which, by the way, I did," she says.
Take Breaks
Time-outs can have their place in a grown-up's bedroom. Taking breaks can give you (or your husband, if he's lagging) a chance to catch up by means of oral sex or other turn-on techniques. To make waiting fun rather than frustrating, turn it into a game. "My husband and I will flip on Sex and the City and play 'red light, green light'; we can get hot and heavy only when the couples on screen do," says Tara, 39. "When they're not getting it on, all we can do is lie really close to each other. This allows the tension to build until we're both ready to let loose."
Expand Your Horizons
If intercourse doesn't normally get your mojo rising, try the "bridge" technique, in which you start with what you know works and then wean yourself from it. For example, if oral sex is your surefire ticket into orbit, have him do that for you until you reach the point of knowing you're going to climax within seconds. Then switch to intercourse, says Banker. If all goes well, nearly anything he does at this point should light your fire. Next time try switching to intercourse a bit sooner. Over weeks or months your body will be able to expand its orgasmic repertoire so you and your husband can reach the finish line hand in hand.
1. Being too goal-oriented
"Fixating on having an orgasm or a simultaneous one with your partner can put so much pressure on you that it'll block your sexual response," warns Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. "Remember, you've got your whole lives together. What's the rush?" So if that little voice inside your head tells you that you're taking too long (a guaranteed buzz kill), silence it and shift your focus by forcing yourself to relax and enjoy the moment.
2. Keeping a leg up
If your legs are angled up toward your torso during intercourse, you may be sabotaging your own sexual satisfaction. "This prevents your clitoris from receiving adequate stimulation," says Sandor Gardos, sexologist for My Pleasure. Instead, make sure your legs are flat on the bed during the missionary position or stretched down toward his legs while you're on top. This will guarantee you're getting maximum impact where you need it.
3. Bringing your to-do list to bed
Incredible multitaskers that we women are, it's entirely possible to be in the middle of intercourse while the following flits through our minds: "Did Junior get his homework done? Do I have time to pick up my dry cleaning before work tomorrow?" Not exactly conducive to sexual fireworks. So quiet these nagging thoughts by making a clean break between your everyday worries and your bedroom activities, suggests author Lisa Sussman. Give yourself at least 20 minutes to make the transition to a romantic mind-set: Lounge around in a sexy nightie while reading the newspaper or take a shower by candlelight before you hit the sheets.
"Fixating on having an orgasm or a simultaneous one with your partner can put so much pressure on you that it'll block your sexual response," warns Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. "Remember, you've got your whole lives together. What's the rush?" So if that little voice inside your head tells you that you're taking too long (a guaranteed buzz kill), silence it and shift your focus by forcing yourself to relax and enjoy the moment.
2. Keeping a leg up
If your legs are angled up toward your torso during intercourse, you may be sabotaging your own sexual satisfaction. "This prevents your clitoris from receiving adequate stimulation," says Sandor Gardos, sexologist for My Pleasure. Instead, make sure your legs are flat on the bed during the missionary position or stretched down toward his legs while you're on top. This will guarantee you're getting maximum impact where you need it.
3. Bringing your to-do list to bed
Incredible multitaskers that we women are, it's entirely possible to be in the middle of intercourse while the following flits through our minds: "Did Junior get his homework done? Do I have time to pick up my dry cleaning before work tomorrow?" Not exactly conducive to sexual fireworks. So quiet these nagging thoughts by making a clean break between your everyday worries and your bedroom activities, suggests author Lisa Sussman. Give yourself at least 20 minutes to make the transition to a romantic mind-set: Lounge around in a sexy nightie while reading the newspaper or take a shower by candlelight before you hit the sheets.
Read more: How to Get Totally Satisfied in Bed - Redbook
